Very VERY alternative report - Besiktas 0-0 Arsenal

Details: Written by Aaron Blows; Published: Tuesday, 19 August 2014 22:30

For my first report I get to write about My Team –Our Team- being shown on a channel that marginally makes Bt Sport tolerable. This is written in sections to give you a sense of my mood, reaction and anger/elation I am going through.

Part 1 “I hate ITV”

I am actually waiting for ITV to show highlights of Utd winning the Champion League. Y’know that clip, where the goal goes in and you can hear the ITV operatives cream their pants?

Opening dialogue by Chiles is the usual “angst-ridden teen’s prose to a girl who will never read it” delivered with a slightly rosy face (obviously a result of those god-awful World Cup build ups out on the beach).

Now discussing the fact that Sanchez is being named as “Alexis” on his shirt *sighs, pours a second beer.

Teams come out.....here we go.

Part 2 “45 mins of......head scratching”

I had learnt from Sky Sports today that Ba has scored a goal against us every 122 minutes so I’m all okay as I watch the opening 2 seconds. F*ck sake!! Andy Townsend almost had something to cheer then (yeah, we won’t forget that you muppet).

Some way-ward passing already but it’s okay because we have Monreal to secure us. Thing is he was fine to be begin with, I’m sure of it. I’m sure he was good.

Remember when we played fast and passed really well AND PLAYED FAST? I remember that. I do. I’m not going to remember this I think.

I’m not convinced by one striker up front as a focal point: especially when a cross from the right comes in and he’s essentially having an airport medical by five defenders. But maybe he’s much MUCH better in training. Like Cygan must have been.

Chambers looking very good though. Aware and quick and may make that position his own eventually. Although I do like my central halves to be a bit more shouty. And could they talk to each other when jogging back when a free quick is awarded?

Alexis has been good but far too quick for anyone else to bomb up field. You put Walcott in there and we may just have something.

Whistle goes and I’m dreading Chiles’ gurning slapped arse face.

Part 3 “Normally I rush to the loo”

Minute 46 “Christ!”

Minute 48 “Double Christ”

This game feels like an aggressive friendly with not much really happening. I made notes here and actually wrote “Cazorla – dunno really”. He was junk Saturday and tonight he hasn’t been good. In fact bar Chambers, and Alexis’ running, and Ramsey showing more heart than anyone, I don’t think anyone has been great. Not bad.....just not great.

I fear for Wilshere at the moment: he needs to do something. Be it be an awesome passer, or tackler or 30 yard pile driver-er. Besides wearing his heart on his new Puma sleeve, I don’t know what he actually brings.

Have none of these players been 12 on the playground? Its 20mins to go and we need a goal, so where are the 30 yard toe punts that either score or maim?

Ramsey red card was greeted with a “meh” and I think that sums up this match. It never really took hold and wasn’t that great. I like Debuchy running forward.