As some of you may know, Arsenal staged a 'Twitter takeover' yesterday, in which a selection of the club's players answered questions posed on Twitter.

Naturally it was a rather tame affair, with Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud receiving questions like 'what's your favourite sport besides football?', "Who has a harder shot, you or Cazorla?", and somewhat worryingly: "Are all French men so beautiful?" That particular questioner clearly hasn't met Samir Nasri.

However, it's transpired that there was another, secret session, in which a rather different line of questioning was taken....

Ask Poldi

Welcome Lukas! Take a seat!

Er, Danke Schoen, ja. I hear questions?

Yes, of course. Just wait a moment. Alright, first question from Twitter: "Lukas, are you in fact the voice of Rainier Wolfcastle from the Simpsons?"

Er, no. I am not. I once voiced Barney Gumble as a favour, but that episode is banned in most countries, excepting Swaziland and Malta.

"Do you wear the number 9 for any specific reason?"

Ah, Nein! Ahaha! You see my joke? I am extremely humorous, just like John Bishop.

"Come clean Lukas, is Arteta's hair a wig?"

I.....cannot say.... One day I came into the dressing room and I saw him... And the shaved lemur... I swore never to tell, otherwise he'll find me.

Time for a few more questions, Lukas.

Must we persist with this?

I suppose we could stop.... as long as you're happy playing right-back against Fulham.

Fine, very well. Next question?

"Why?"

Er, why not?

"Does it worry you that when you charge down the flank you remind me of a knight in shining armour?"

At this point Lukas collapsed on the floor convulsing, muttering about never having a connection with the Teutonic Order, and the words 'left wing, Arsene, damn you!" at random intervals.

After about twenty minutes he recovered enough to be asked one last question:

"Favourite ice-cream flavour?"

Mustard.

Thank you Lukas! You've been wonde..get out.

Why?

Olivier's here. Leave.

Ok.....

Ask Giroud

Hi Olivier... How are you?

I'm good, thanks!

Good....I'm glad... Do you want some coffee or something?

Ah... I'm not sure...

It's OK, we can get it later.

We?

Never mind... Ready for some questions?

Of course!

I bet you are, you gorgeous French... So, from Twitter: "How much inspiration do you take from Emile Heskey?

Emile Heskey? Tons! Who wouldn't take tips from the greatest striker in Australia? He taught me so much about falling over and letting the smaller, faster striker score instead!

"Have you ever said the word 'cucumber' over and over until it just sounds meaningless?"

Life is meaningless. I need no reminding of this. Leave me.

"Oasis or Blur?"

I listen only to Edith Piaf and Captain Beefheart vinyls.

"Do you prefer English or French girls."

English, French, Uzbek... It makes no matter, there is enough Olivier for everyone.

We've run out of time for questions Olivier, though I have one for you.... Would you like to touch (censored)

The questioner is currently in custody awaiting sexual harassment charges. Olivier is recovering from mild trauma, his return time is 2-3 weeks (6 months).

I hope you enjoyed the real Arsenal Twitter takeover. If I missed any questions don't hesitate to point them out.

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