After Arsenal's defeat to Swansea at the weekend, Steve Bould launched a tirade on the players, accusing them of 'letting us down all season' and not taking responsibility. This was confirmed by goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.
Arsenal Latest have managed to find a recording of what the assistant manager said to the team, and the manuscript of that is to follow. Those who are faint or heart or afraid of angry Northerners should steer clear.
Arsenal dressing room, full time. The usual post-match action. Gervinho is stumbling around trying to keep his balance. Arteta is checking every bit of hair he has to make sure it's not out of place. It isn't.
Arsene Wenger walks in, looking shaken. He collapses to the floor.
"I'm...sorry...." He croaks. "I tried to stop him, but I coul..."
Arsene slumps to the floor, his head pressed down by Steve Bould's steel-capped boot.
"Right, you shlags", he rumbles. "Against the wall, the whole stinking lot of you".
The players do as they're told.
Bould walks up and down the line, clacking his 'encouragement stick' against the floor. He stops at skipper Thomas Vermaelen.
"You ever been to Wales, Thomas?" He asks. Vermaelen shakes his head. Bouldy's eyes widen, and he smashes the stick into Vermaelen's kneecaps. He collapses in pain.
"For a start, it's "No, sir!" He roars. "And secondly, yes you bloody well did! It's quite a nice place, very quiet, and we went to play Swansea City. WE BLOODY LOST! And now we've done it again! How do I make you learn."
As Thomas writhes on the floor Bould continues his path along the line. He stops at Aaron Ramsey. He smiles. "Lucky you didn't play today, eh Aaron? Run along."
Relieved, everyone's favourite Welshman dashes out of the dressing room.
Next to Ramsey was Theo Walcott.
"Theo, Theo, Theo..." He says, shaking his head. Then he moves faster than a panther, and Walcott is in his grasp wriggling to get free.
"SIGN DA TING! SIGN DA TING, THEY SAY!! PLAY FOR YOURSELF LIKE YOU DID TODAY, AND THE ONLY THING YOU'LL BE SIGNING IS YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT, YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, BOY?"
Theo chokes out a "yes, sir" and is released.
"But you're not the worst." Bouldy growls. "No, no, no..The real culprits are over there".
Gervinho and Arteta are still wrapped up in their hair.
Bould picks up a chair and throws it at their mirror. The glass shatters, leaving them in a bleeding (but non-fatal) heap on the floor.
"Gervais", says Steve to Gervinho. "That's your name, isn't it? None of this 'Inho' nonsense, your name's Gervais. Yer mum's probably from Bristol, you aching great ponce. I think that spaghetti's weighing you down, you can't stay on your feet, or think straight. Eh?"
He picks the winger up and swings him around and around by the hair, before releasing him across the dressing room, out of the door. As Gervinho scrambles to his feet and runs off, Bould shouts after him:
"GET YOURSELF DOWN THE BARBERS, TELL 'EM BOULDY SENT YOU!"
He turns to Arteta.
"Last, but not least, no sir. Passing sideways is great Mikel. So's passing backwards. I did it all the time. But here's the thing. YOU'RE NOT ME! CARRY THE BALL, PASS IT FORWARDS! SPRAY IT OUT WIDE, YOU MASSIVE PRUNE! AND NEXT TIME YOU GO FOR A PERM, ASK FOR A STEVE BOULD!"
Bould starts smashing furniture. "Get out of my sight, the lot of you", he says. "Be back at training tomorrow, four o'clock start. We'll begin with some defensive drills. Then maybe, some defensive drills."
The players leave.
Scary stuff, eh? If that doesn't get them playing, I don't know what will.
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